dare to differentiate, do the raspberry swirl

EnsouledJournal

Journal entry
Thursday, 23rd April 2020

When I was driving home, it was dark, yet pleasantly spring warm. As I drow the streets, I noticed something different from many previous Thursdays. Week by week, for almost two months now in the evenings, I’ve been driving empty streets. No cars, no people, no cats. This evening… something was different.

Kids were out.

Standing, sitting, hanging… in small groups of three or four, on benches, smoking, talking. Even though, you know, social distancing. Even though, you know, lockdown

And I was like, is this happening? 

My heart was full, look, Tina, the kids are out. Again. On the benches. And trees are blooming, nights are getting sweet and mellow,… is this love that I’m finally feeling? Is this life as it should be. As it’s supposed to be?

.𖣔.

For me, pandemic and all that it represents – because what it multidimensionally represents is massively more than biology, statistics, and severe geopolitical mess – internally came to an end in the week before Eastern. One morning in April. I woke up. And I felt it. Mental rabbit holes, bizarre cognitive dissonances, emotional waves and tides, all the heavy energetic overwhelm with the fuss of pandemic, received through the media and governmental restrictions… it all suddenly collapsed into one single point of an embodied insight.

That morning, sleeping next to my Man, I opened my eyes, and I felt it.

I felt it, I just knew. 

With my body, with all my cells, complete cognitive and emotional clarity, I sensed that “pandemic” and all that it represents… 

I’m done with it. I’m choosing another timeline, leaving the pandemic timeline behind. 

In March 2020, when pandemic started to escalate, I didn’t slip into denial. I didn’t choose spiritual bypassing. I’ve revisioned that fearful and lack-full global-pandemic timeline up, down, right, left. I’ve been staring into the energetic darkness building up around me since February, when northern Italy went into the lockdown. And we live 500 meters from the border with Italy #btw

But that morning in early April, after six weeks of intense inner work, I got that clear sense in my body, and embodied awareness. This global pandemic has nothing to do with my life as it is, with my love as it is, with my work as it is. 

The most important, it has nothing to do with my point of power.

More that I looked, less I found any heartfelt, soulful desire to participate in this happening or do anything at all regarding it.

I know this might sound insensitive to all the people suffering from the pandemic, and I fully get it. But what I’m describing here is this crystal clear embodied energetic boundary between pandemic and all that it represents… and my intimate life, my work, my world, my reality.

A new timeline opened. 

because I am here to do my own work, follow what I feel, and know for myself to be true.

.𖣔.

Of course, I had guilt-tripping around this. I mean, since “we are all in this together”, is this “allowed”? To differentiate, to refuse to share a timeline on which so many suffer, even die, while my body feels is deeply, deeply incorrect for me? I was close to death-sentence my insight. In a blink of an eye, I got extremely nasty regarding myself, impossibly cruel to such a frivolous state of my body-mind-soul in times like “these”. My inner critic stated: “Tina, you are so egoistic, so non-compassionate, so un-caring.

(Really? Perhaps. But probably not.)

However, I didn’t go into that. You know why? Because through weeks of a lockdown, I decided to put a lockdown of love and profound transformation on my own shadows. I did alchemise my share of stuff. My politically correct inner part, tightly connected with the frightened and traumatised, obedient inner child. My deep distrust into humanity and its ability to learn from past mistakes. My rage upon massive energetic violence of negativity, entering my home, as yours, through mass media and hectic political decisions. I didn’t judge myself; I didn’t allow my shadow to make amends. Because, through the entire onset of “pandemic” and “lockdown”, I was actually working internally as fuck. I wasn’t even aware of how much I’ve been working, restoring my own psychic basement, healing layers upon layers of trauma… so my Soul can come forward… even more.

It all felt pretty much like an initiation. A surreal, harsh, massive, uninvited sequence from the most fussy David Lynch’s movie. And there was I, an insignificant bystander in that movie, fighting for my own love. Often, I was asking myself, am I able to watch this global multidimensional paradox going on in front of my eyes like the worst movie I’ve ever seen… stand tall and stare into it until it disappears? #becauseitwill

When Soul comes forward through layers of shadow inner work, the level of an energetic and spiritual non-conformity always happens. Because our soul’s designs, defining our spiritual essence, are completely unique and very much differentiated. Think about DNA? Our soul designs are about DNA codes on a spiritual level. encoded as a possibility into the physical reality of our physical body. They are completely unique and when we are realigning to them, we are able to make soul-aligned choices. 

And soul-aligned choices are making magnificently happy women. in all and any times, pandemic included.

Soul aligned always includes following the most profound personal truth possible. And this truth is nesting inside of our cells, on our energetic-emotional level. To make soul-aligned choices, we need to grow our awareness, we need to do enough of shadow work and be willing to move energy into the matter. This includes:

The ability to be bound to ourselves, no matter what is happening around us. Ability to dare to differentiate, no matter how this looks like to the outside. Ability to follow our Truth, no matter how judged, scolded, eye-rolled we might be. 

Because we will be – but we won’t care; we will understand and love. After all, women, we are here to wash away deep patriarchal wounds where behaving naturally was recognised as heresy and blasphemy, severely sanctioned, punished. We all have this inside. We are all the grand-grand daughters of witches who they didn’t burn.

.𖣔.

The pandemic issue is an example, agreeably and indisputably a massive one. But the point here is this level of an embodied insight, when one day we wake up, literally and figuratively, and we know the Truth of a situation – in our life, in our relationship or job, on every cell of your body:

I’m done with it.
I’m offering it.
I’m investing.
I’m changing it.
I’m saying it. 
I’m doing it.
I’m over with this fucking shit. 

Familiar? 

It is an absolute embodied awareness of the Truth. 

Embodied knowing that no one can fuck around with us anymore – not even ourselves.

Have you ever experienced something like this? For me, this level of Truth is so solid, so indisputable, that I can’t argue about it. It is a decree. It demands that I organically – physically, mentally, emotionally follow it with my whole body, mind, and Soul… 

… to live my depths.

.𖣔.

From that morning before Eastern 2020, something new started to flourish inside of me. Something unraveled and shifted inside of me. I transformed, transmuted. 

You know… this is the beauty of my kind of inner work which I also do with my beloved clients. This is the beauty of a feminine soulful approach to inner work. It’s not about trying to fix anything. It is about willingness to witness oneself with compassion, persistence, curiosity, and desire to journey into the shadows and then into the unknown, which is a space where anything is possible, some things are more probable, and eventually, something is born seemingly out of thin air, out of the impeccable darkness, out of Divine:

a dream,
an embodied insight,
expansion of love.

We can receive a dream, a vision, a sense of love supreme, with a willingness to surrender to our own mystery… and follow our inner flow. We need to be persistent, trust our intimate inner space and our Soul. We need to face those shadow dragons, be willing to do a million mental operations and those emotional raspberry swirls, so one morning, we wake up to something profound, even more raw and real. It is demanding, yes. But I think it was also never meant to be easy.

Much love,
Tina

In a nutshell

The only way out of fear-based perceptions is to make soul-aligned choices and follow the most profound Truth possible, nesting inside of our cells, on our energetic-emotional level. We always see what we expect to see, not what is really there. Our perceptual biases – emotional programming and limiting beliefs established in childhood and past-parallel lives, and reinforced on a collective level through mass media. Mass media seriously limit what we notice and experience. If our filters are polluted with limiting schemas based on fear and lack and recrimination, then our worlds are reflecting this. When we dissolve the “pollution”, our worlds reflect the change. What are you choosing to perceive? Perception is one of the key stages in the process of conscious creation of reality.