crying alone at nights?
At age twelve, I spent a few weeks in the UK. A thousand miles away from my home, at night, I was crying. In the mornings my face was swollen and puffy. I was feeling too ashamed to share any of my feelings, so I came up with a smart excuse: “I am allergic to British grass… Yes, allergic… Well, I don’t know how it’s possible… No, it doesn’t hurt...” People were asking me because they did notice my puffiness. But no-one ever questioned my story.
As a child, I had stable yet emotionally undernourished bonding with my mother. My mum was a child, born soon after World Word II, and she too was emotionally malnourished, as was her emotionally starved mother, my grandmother. As life revealed in my late teens, though a plethora of inner pain, I have had lots of early bonding issues that left me confused, lonely, avoidant, shy. All this was later resolved with in-depth body-oriented therapy and other kinds of inner work, yet in fact, before it was resolved, it was really painful.
One of the signs of this early relation wound I had was that when she went away, or I went away, I always slipped into the void – a strong, overwhelming sense of loss, that I experienced as an emptiness that I couldn’t handle. And in general, I couldn’t decode, handle or talk about my sensations and feelings, or use them in any good way, which is very normal for early bonding, developmental wounds. I was inconsolable. My tears were never-ending, crying exhausting and this all felt so cold. And isolated.
In Psyche, element of cold / coldness, usually surfaces together with energetic vibration of loneliness. And trauma.
Do you know anyone who feels warm and lonely? Nope… Loneliness and isolation are both states of lack of simple human connection. And underneath coldness/loneliness/ isolation we always find a wound of being emotionally unmeet. Not mothered enough (which feels entirely frightening to a child… and many adults).
So cold tears, they are a bit special kind of tears. They are telling a story about isolation and helplessness; they don’t count to be met by the other. When this is our kind of tears, we don’t get to share them. We cry secretly because we don’t know how to cry together. And we are also deeply ashamed of ourselves because we really think that not having enough of our mom’s attention and care, well, it’s been all our fault. And because tears are parts of ourselves, we are ashamed of them too.
As kids, we’ve been hiding our sadness. Or we got so angry when someone saw us crying.
In the ’30s or 40′ and +50’s now, we find ourselves crying in king-size beds, in the middle of the night, while our kids and partner are sleeping.
We feel like crap.
But we don’t even think that we could do it in a different way.
To us, crying alone, with someone sleeping by our side, feels completely natural.
Sadness is a shaky, fluid feeling, often overwhelming, sometimes contracting – often our throat. At the same time, it feels so liberating. Sadness is great. Sadness is fine. It arises instantly when someone we love leaves or is about to:
“I love you, don’t want to let you go.”
It ascends from the depths of our belly, and womb.
We’re all raised in a society that suppresses emotions, and that goes even deeper than we might think. As we suppress joy and fear, so we do with other feelings and emotions.
Problem is that when we push away one aspect of our feeling world, we crush it all.
And being detached from our emotions and feelings is sustaining the wounded society as we live in… Yes, superficially? All looks ah-mazing. When we go deeper? Nothing makes sense anymore.
And since feelings and emotions are Soul’s messengers, nowadays there is no wonder nothing makes sense to so many people. Feeling no feelings… it takes all sense away. It takes our Souls away.
What I’m saying is, as long as we can cry, things are actually ok. Of course, if you find yourself crying alone, very often, do something:
- seek good professional,
- explore what’s causing your sadness energetically, at its roots,
- release old wounds,
- learn how to navigate your own inner space for future needs.
Do work. Clear your womb, heal your inner child, liberate your lungs, open your heart.
Find out what made you close your heart, your love, and why you surrounded it with layers of tears. Then, release those tears, heal the wounds and open your love. Do this more, and more.
Because what I often find in my therapy practice is, when people suppress their sadness, they usually have lots of issues around the rib-lung-heart area. They get anxious feelings in their chest, so they suffer psychosomatic chest pains, their connective tissue on this area gets swollen and hurtful on touch.
They are often prone to lung infections, and colds.
This all resolves with some good deep inner energy work. And some complementary bodywork. Massage will also help us to release accumulated charge and pressure in our softest, most delicate tissues.
As long as we are in touch with the aliveness of our body of feelings, there is a possibility to move, shift, change, transform. Tears? Are dynamic. They are a vivid solvent of our inner pain.
Keep respecting your tears. Psychological problems start when we lose touch with our aliveness.
Then, and only then. We do this most often with the overuse of drugs, alcohol, food, sex, money, work. We do this because we don’t know how crucial it is to keep up with our feelings and emotions, instead of numbing them down.
To get back to the life that makes sense?
We need to come to our senses (John Kabat Zinn).
Coming back to ourselves and living soulful life, it is always through our senses. It’s through the body, the natural, nature. And all our body feels.
This is where Soul finally comes in.
For Soul, to feel, it’s non-negotiable.
And the evolving soul-full world, we are actually creating a world where crying is the new normal. The feeling is new normal. Sharing feelings is a new normal.
Because we are probably the first generation in history fully capable to embrace how important it is to stop ignoring feelings, being angry with them, rejecting them, or laughing at them.
We are for sure not the ones telling people they’re “over-reacting drama queens”.
We are open-minded individuals and emphatic creatures, here to ask a thousand times per day: “What do I feel?”
And, we more than dare to ask the other:
“How do you feel?”
We all have the empathy and compassion needed to ask that kid why his face had been so puffy the other morning.
And yes, you can imagine making that kid your own family member, neighbor, co-worker, women behind the counter, our customer, client, coach, teacher, mentor, masseur, … even boss, if you have one.
Lots of love,